harnessing all the business savvy i've got

i'm midway through craft, inc: turn your creative hobby into a business. i highly recommend it. an excellent balance of practical advice and personal success stories. i like myth 5 in the creative mythology section: you need to wait for the "right time" to start your creative business. this little mythical morsel makes me feel better about what i'm doing with my life right now. also, check out author meg mateo ilasco's website while you're at it.

other sources of inspiration today: smarts & crafts (especially the pin board section), rainn wilson's twitter feed, vicky christina barcelona, and old school django reinhardt.

finishing, maintaining, and starting fresh

that's me.

though i didn't run fast, i finished my half-marathon, which is all that mattered to me, really. i'm not sure if i'm cut out for a full 26.2 miles, but i'm ready to sign up for another 13.1. it's nice to have something to train for; a goal.

now that it's over, i'm moving on to other goals. finishing things, starting things, picking things up after a little break, (or a longer one...)

in my previous post, i talked about follow through, how running the half-marathon has helped me follow through in other parts of my life. i'm still working on the hard parts. they'll be hard for a while. if i can chip away at my goals, though, i think i might be all right.

way back at the beginning of may, (eons ago) i went to G & M's yoga retreat in mendocino. G is a phenomenal yoga instructor. lighthearted, thoughtful, meditative, comfortable. he pushes you just enough to let you discover things for yourself, in mind and body.

there were a few things that really hit home while we were there.

small steps. G relayed a story about a friend who is a seasoned backpacker. how do you go as far as you do, G asked. how do you stay so balanced and calm and strong, he wondered. small steps the friend responded. when i get frustrated and stuck, i start thinking about the big picture and i lose sight of all the small steps needed to get there. the small steps are manageable.

don't expect to be happy all the time. i've struggled with depression my entire life and with each bout i go through, i learn more about myself, about how to deal with it. the past 8 months or so have been the longest i've gone without having a serious lapse. during the last practice in mendocino, we lay in corpse pose and G talked about his grandmother, who told him, "don't expect to be happy all the time." i'm not sure where it comes from, but i've always expected everything to be...happy. more and more, i'm realizing that we don't have to be happy all the time. knowing this serves as some sort of acceptance. like a sigh of relief.

i left the farm in mendocino feeling more like myself that i have in a long while. a fresh start, really.

run, run, run!

i purposefully haven't written about running on this blog because i've done so on two previous, less tended to blogs (amazing, right, that a blog could be less tended to than this one). the first was an actual attempt of a full on running blog, called "i've never been a runner." after two entries, weeks and months drifted on with no change in my running or writing habits. then, last year i wrote about running on the blog section of my website. i started with a purpose, a half marathon in SLC, but got sick and busy and stopped. essentially, i've lacked follow through in a big way.

so, where does that leave me now? i'm four weeks away and 12 miles deep into training for the see jane run half marathon in alameda, CA on may 30th. R and i have been training. R and M are flying in for the weekend, and the four of us are running together. i am beyond excited, for many reasons.

1) if you've kept up with my blog, you know that i am looking for work, stressed and anxious at times, striving to stay optimistic and constantly contemplating the sometimes overgrown and hard to find paths in front of me. i think, a lot. too much sometimes. thus, running has been an amazing outlet for me the past couple months. it's nearly free (a pair of running shoes and my little ipod shuffle to keep me company) and when i feel frustrated, stuck, skeptical, i run. there are days where all i want to do scream, but i lace up my kicks instead, turn on some interpol, maybe some talking heads, my newest favorite - starf****r, and usually, within a mile or two, my head feels unbelievably clearer. it's like a neti-pot in allergy season.

2) i finally feel comfortable writing about this since i've hit the 10+ mile mark. i've gotten to the point where i get bummed out if i realize that i'm not going to be able to squeeze a run into my day.

3) (i've lost track of why i needed numbers in here, but i'll go with it anyhow) the follow through. the motivation i've gained from running is leaking out to other parts of my life, if not all of them. if i can follow through with this, i can follow through with this blog, with my personal website, with my artwork, with my relationships. it's all connected.

now that my secret is out, that you all know about my secret running discovery, the door's open. the creative upturn just got a kickstart and i'll keep the updates coming.

crossing things off lists.

way to go MTV for picking up something a little different. a reality show with a twist and a defiantly optimistic message. watch the trailer below.

the hard part

i won't lie: the past couple weeks have felt like a stand still. for a while, my little head was spinning with ideas. still is, sort of. i know that i'm getting to the point where the ideas need to turn into something tangible, though, something concrete.

this is the hard part.

i take a photography class on monday nights at the san francisco art institute. it always seems like a chore to physically get out the door, but as soon as i turn the corner onto valencia and head across town, my headspace does a 180. pirate cat radio has a great show monday nights (the ice cream and cake show). the sun's usually just set. and when i drive over the crest on lombard, looking over the bay, i know i'm in the right place.

i pour myself a glass of wine when i get home and i start to let my guard down. after critique and conversation in class, i realize that not everything has to be perfect. in fact, it might just be better if things aren't perfect. i start to turn the negative self-critic into a more positive one. i start thinking about what i can do.


current images:

standing still

R is my photo project guinea pig. i met up with her today at SF general medical center for her lunch break. if you haven't checked out my newest project, stillness in chaos, you should. i am currently working on images of people standing still amidst chaos. so far, this project has been in the initial stages; thinking and writing and brainstorming and such. today, i felt things gel more than they have been. walking to the hospital, i was thinking about how, at this point in the project, i need to shoot, shoot, shoot. i got to the lobby a few minutes before R, and i'm glad that i got to be the observer for a minute or two. people rushed through the hall in waves, as the elevator doors opened, as the bus pulled up outside. some people carried balloons, bright colored gift bags. others shuffled in slowly with the help of crutches. more than a few mumbled to themselves, wheeling carts full of belongings. a man napped across from me.

when R got downstairs, she sighed: busy morning. i asked her to take few deep breaths, roll her shoulders a bit. we waited for elevator doors to open and then R stood peacefully as doctors and nurses and therapists and patients and visitors rushed by on their lunch breaks.

here's a sneak peek:

thankful

what are you thankful for?

during our closing meeting at A last night, B asked us to go around and share one thing we're thankful for in our lives. in such a stressful economic climate, it's so easy to get sucked into negativity, but what about all those things we still have? "i still have my job and i am so grateful. so many of my friends have been laid off and i'm still working...i can pay my rent. i have an adorable dog. and i have all you guys."

when my turn came around, i said something to the extent of this: i am thankful for positive thinking. i am thankful for lots of things, but one of the invigorating things about this time that we are living in, is that so many people are taking a step back and reassessing the important things in their lives. we might not be able to live as extravagantly as we want to, we might realize that the material goods we consume (a bit of a cache 22 working in retail...)* aren't our livelihood. we have friends and family. we have creativity. we have the mountains and the beach, the sky and the ocean.

i may have added that last line about the mountains and the beach and the sky and the ocean, but i like it anyhow. i think i said that i am thankful for A, even though I only work there a few days a week. it does give me a tiny bit of structure in my otherwise sporadic life.

i am thankful for B's optimism. thank you, B, for allowing us to be consciously thankful.


*a note about working at A, however. i truly believe that it's a company based on more than a basic consumer culture. the art and atmosphere of the store make the experience something beyond the stuff that fills it's walls, which is very cool.